The moment I stop looking for something, it’s suddenly appears.
That’s such a beautiful thing and actually the main thing in life. The moment you stop searching, you will find what you were looking for. Best thing: it has probably been there all along – you just didn’t see it.
I felt so drawn to this “I love you” sticker, because this I love you simultaneously filled my whole being with joy and warmth, while at the same time, it gives off this raw, coldness. The perfect contrast. Yes, love is supposed to bring us joy and happiness, it’s probably the best feeling in the world. But at the same time, it can hurt like hell #ginovannelli.
Thing is: sometimes it’s hard, because we need it to be.
The last time I said it, well I actually wrote it down, it definitely didn’t work out the way I had planned.
On a night in March, we met at my house and talked. He left and suddenly these words just boiled up in my body. I needed to get it out of my system. He wasn’t there and I didn’t know if I would ever see him again to tell him in person.
So, instead of writing him a message, I figured that writing it down in a notebook, taking a picture of that and sending it over was more romantic. I stared at it for quite some time, hit send and then… nothing.
I still see myself sitting on my couch after he left. I thought by telling him I love you, I could persuade him into being with me. OMG, as awful as it sounds, it was true. Of course I checked if he read it, and he did. He was online (yes, it happened over WhatsApp) but he just – didn’t – answer…
He never did.
I was crushed
Absolutely devastated and I blamed myself for it.
I shouldn’t have said anything, o my god, what did I do?
How stupid was I to write something so delicate, take a picture of it and send it over WhatsApp?
Why didn’t he answer?
What was wrong with me?
What was he thinking?
What was I thinking?
My words were hanging in the space between us and I couldn’t take them back anymore.
I had put myself out there and felt so vulnerable.
Some time after, I started digging into my own behavior. I realized that I somehow needed his confirmation, because I didn’t really love myself. Autsj! I asked myself what hurt me more: him not answering or me realizing this heavy stuff? Indeed, the second one.
The biggest insight that I have gained out of this awful situation is that I was constantly rejecting myself. Slowly, but surely I realized that, as long as I kept rejecting myself, people could give me all the confirmation in the world. It didn’t matter as long as I couldn’t see, appreciate and especially LOVE the person that I saw in the mirror every day.
If he had answered in any way, it wouldn’t have helped me. I needed to feel it first, for myself. I will never forget the fact that he never had the decency to answer my question, but more important: I stopped blaming myself. I feel proud that I had the guts to put myself out there.
Months later, this whole idea of writing these intimate words down, photograph them to make it more personal and send it to somebody – amazingly creative. I didn’t see any other way and felt the need to say it, so I did. I wouldn’t do it like this anymore, but it felt right at the time.
So, to all of you darlings who are reading this: when you wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and remember to love yourself first. Just say it out loud, or write it down. Might sound a little let us pray, hallelujah when you start doing it, but it works. Somehow saying this opens my heart and perspective a bit more.
We need ourselves first before we can do anything for anyone else. If you don’t love yourself, how the heck can you love somebody else? How can we expect someone else to love us, when we don’t even see ourselves? Confirmation and self love need to come from within.
We can’t get that from somebody else. That’s not someone else’s job, it’s ours. When you think about it, it’s fantastic.
I guess my I love you to somebody else, was a step to actually loving the most important person in my life: myself!
And luckily for me, I never ignore myself.
Disclaimer: this post has been written on November 7, 2017